Beauty Only In The Beholder's Eye

The light flickers and I look up to see if the bulb in my room is failing. But it glows constant and moody. The flashes happen again. They come from outside. I look out the window but I see nothing. It is strange that my windows fog up from the inside. I wipe the moisture to look out and I get a glimpse of the city skyline but grey. The cold night air rushes to kiss my face when I slide the windows open. The clouds drift into my room, surrounding me. The fragrance of wet fog and the scattering of the city lights summons nostalgia.

I know you. 

I whisper to the massive, shimmering veil of grey. The recognition turning to disdain as if it were an old friend bearing bad news. But I cannot remain cross for long. I am seduced by the way it wraps around me, by its scent; like a long lost love. I breathe deeply.

The rain sounds like a standing ovation. The buildings in the distance, the congregation. Jagged lines of light appear like they were drawn by infants connecting the stars. The sky lights up and I imagine God staring down at us, taking bad photographs; pushing back darkness long enough to capture the beauty only in the Beholder's Eye.

Picture Perfect

the door opens and i step out once more. it is evening and the sky is old and depressed. the leaves float around me like the trees were crying in slow motion. it must be the coffee that buzzes in my veins. the traffic hums a baritone. the lanes filled with cars carrying people whose eyes water at the monotony in the air. people glad to leave the office yet wishing they didn't have to go home.

a man sits near the entrance of the subway station. the unbuttoned shirt and rolled-up sleeves, his attempts to fight off the humidity. he nervously plays with a cigarette, subconsciously counting the hours before he has to return, numbering the days till the week's end. in a single smooth motion, he flicks his lighter and draws life into his cigarette. the smoke and humidity entwine in a little dance. he watches the choreography fade into the darkening night. he closes his eyes and lets the nicotine calm him.

when he reopens them, he sees a young woman standing near him. the curves of her slender body comforting his eyes. she holds up a digital camera taking pictures of the building across the road. she is captivated by the constantly-changing, coloured lights that line the building. she smiles to herself when she sees the photo she took. and yet she is unaware that she is a sight to behold; warm smile, big eyes, brown hair. she stands relaxed with one foot on the sidewalk and one on the road, now lit by street lamp. in his mind, a whisper forms. perfect, just perfect. she throws a glance in his direction and notices his gaze. she blushes, smiles and turns to walk away.

the smile sticks to his heart and makes him forget his dread. he takes another drag at his cigarette and at that moment, he is ready to leave for home. 

This Is Not The Time

I am grit under fingernails.
You are tensed hands, palsied, desperate;
digging as if this earth held secrets.
As if the moist scent of this soil could sustain your soul.

I am sweat dripping
down the side of your cheek.
You are eyes, squinting with a sparkle
as if beauty the sun revealed too much.

I am the words that won't come when face-to-face with uncertainty, or when in love.
You are the shiver of pleasure when coming out of minor key.
If you cry out loud enough, I become each shaky sustained beat.
You belong with me.

You are fresh strings stretched across an instrument.
Ready for the first harmony.
I am the wicked twang of you snapping at me.
You are presence in a warm room.
I am cold awkward silence.
You are words; stories and poetry.
I am an empty page.
You belong with me.

- Daryl Goh

Three Years And A Third

At the end of August, I will be leaving Christian Outreach To The Handicapped to pursue my degree in Mass Communication at the Institute of Higher Learning which is established by the Singapore Manufacturers' Federation (SMa). The degree will be accredited by Murdoch University.

Although I am eager to begin a new season in my life, I cannot help but look back and appreciate all that God has taught me through the beneficiaries, my colleagues and the volunteers; both the good lessons and the bad. Working at COH has given me so many opportunities to learn and develop new skills. It has been a great pleasure being part of an organisation that puts so much effort into serving and loving our beneficiaries.

I have learnt so much from the beneficiaries. Spending time with them has taught me that their disabilities are simply extensions of my own shortcomings and limitations. They have taught me how to behave a little more selflessly and even when I sometimes don't, they are still are happy to see me. They have given me a glimpse of God; His character and His nature.

I am often quick to forget. My colleagues have been such a blessing to me, constantly giving me much needed reminders and appreciation. They always inspire me with their commitment; spending all their creative, emotional and physical energy just to improve a few hours in the life of the beneficiaries. And when the beneficiaries have left, the exhausted expressions of my colleagues surprise me. Not because of how drained they are, but because I know that the next day, I will see them refreshed and smiling as if they've never tasted tiredness.

I am glad for these three years and a third. COH and the stories of her beneficiaries are now a part of me. I am glad because I know that I have learnt lessons that cannot be taught from a lecture slide in any classroom. Because I know that COH will continue to grow and develop, even as I do.

Feel The Heart's Charge

After the homeless man that comes and goes, pushes and pulls
caught between a wall of shame and the stench that traps him in.
After the orphan child who lies awake in a world that will not look in her direction,
who covers her eyes with lines and lines of lies.
After the missionary longing for family far away,
Their tears baptising anxiety, wrestling fears that home is a forgotten memory.

Over the battlefield, there are tiny blades
shining and singing over the fallen enemy
Feel the heart's charge against the remiss
They all try to bury the doubt they carry.
"Where are you, God? So incensed and insensitive.
Where are the people you have chosen to love me?"

There is no time to overanalyse this because simply,
Justice like Love, is God.

- Daryl Goh

Intimacy Is A Mixtape

Verse 1:
Some days, life feels fast forwarded
We're all waiting for the right song to come along
And I think this playlist is missing something
I'm waiting to hear you sing
I'm waiting to hear you sing

Verse 2: 
It feels like a warm kiss
on my ear, I shudder
The beats of my heart throb in my lips, ooh
They beg me to kiss you
They beg me to kiss you

Chorus:

The crack in my voice is a chasm.

The distance between us cannot separate.

You're closer than the twitch in my eye when I sleep.
It's cos I see you, I see you in my dreams
You spin around in moonlight
I memorize your face and swear I'll never leave

A breath and a shiver as your name hides behind my teeth.

Ending:

These thoughts would not leave.

They beg me to kiss you

These thoughts would not leave

They beg me to kiss you

- Daryl Goh

There My Heart Will Be Also

Life transitions can be a bit of a hassle. Plans that were made in one season of life have to be changed or cancelled when moving into the next. That is what is happening to me now. I travelled to Nepal with some of my closest friends twice last year. I was planning to take another trip this July to visit the beautiful children of the Sophia Girls' Home as well as the youth of Kathmandu and East Nepal. Recently, God opened the door for me to study for a bachelor’s degree in mass communications.

It was a great struggle for me to finally accept that I couldn’t go. I think the reluctance to give up my place on the team stems from a phobia that if I wasn’t with the people I loved, I would somehow be forgotten, or I would lose the love that I had for the Nepalese youth. But God reminds me that Kingdom work is spiritual work, where there are no limitations. He reassures me that although I cannot be with them physically, I can still impact them with love through a different means.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:21, Luke 12:34

Jesus speaks about the link between treasures like money, belongings and time; and one’s heart. Essentially, He says that the things that one invests in show where the priorities lie. He reassures us that investments in the Kingdom will never be lost or degraded.

It is such a joy to know that although I cannot go, I can still give. That my heart and my treasure can still impact the people in Nepal.

Love Revealed in Nepal

July 2011

Video by Oh Ruey Jen

Photography by Samuel Teo & Daryl Goh

I used to think that it would be a great loss to the team if I couldn't go. I now know that the opposite is true. Without being forlorn or depressed, I can now say that in my absence, God makes the team better. I see similarities in the desire of every team member; to bring God-given desires and talents to bless others. I see a willingness to put aside self-promotion in order to promote the Kingdom of God. I have faith in this team, I have faith in Him.