Friday, February 19, 2010

Tears Don't Fall For No Reason At All

I couldn’t sleep last night. After the weekly ritual of season 9 of American Idol, I went back to my room and lay there while thought after thought, person after person coursed through my mind. This is not normal. I don’t usually have trouble sleeping. I’m not that kind of person. In army, I held the record for getting some shuteye during our brief breaks. It didn’t matter that we weren’t allowed to sleep on the beds. The floor was clean, cool and welcoming. We only had 15 minutes for ‘admin time’? Didn’t matter, I was out in 15 seconds.

I don’t usually have trouble sleeping.

But last night, I did. I lay there trying to figure out why? Was it the excitement of watching the shrewd and talented Didi Benami, American Idol Contestant - and in my opinion, season 9 champion - get into the final 24? No. Was it the coffee and milo mix I had in the morning in the office? No.

It had to be the anguish of going through another round of silent questioning during the Lunar New Year visitations. Their eyes giving away their revulsion of handing a twenty-seven year old yet another red packet. Grand Auntie Gladys encapsulated it beautifully when she lovingly looked at me, the words sweet yet stinging.
No girlfriend yet? Why not?
Her tone revealed that she was puzzled at the absurdity of it.
How could you not be attached? Such a wonderful boy.
At least it made me feel slightly better. But that wasn’t it either.

I was staring into the darkness trying to summon the sleep. But it just kept slipping away. And then it hit me. Wave after wave after wave of frustration, disappointment, anguish and loneliness. I closed my eyes but it didn’t help.

I’m in the wrong country, the wrong job, the wrong church. I’m chasing the wrong girls; I am the wrong kind of guy. I have the wrong ambitions and dreams. I’m living in the wrong house with the wrong people.

There it was, all laid out. Fair enough, it was truth mingled with lies, but it was all real and it could be felt. The tears started to flow. It was quiet, tired tears. The kind that cannot be stopped, even if your eyes were closed. Like dew dripping off the edge of a leaf, the moisture being coaxed from the heavy morning air.

If there's one thing I've learnt, its this. Everytime a new wave of depression tries to bring me down proves that there is greatness around the corner and I must not get distracted. Tears may signify sorrow and sadness, but they also mean hope and promise for those who wait.

My sister shared this on her blog. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
She also messaged me this morning saying that she had prayed for me in the night. Sometimes, that is all that is needed.

No comments:

Post a Comment